Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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