My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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