If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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