Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
