A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
