I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
