I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
