the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
