found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
