Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
