he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
