Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
