I'm pants shitting drunk right now
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
