life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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