Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
