Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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