the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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