Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
