my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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