I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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