Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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