Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
