I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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