I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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