Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
