I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
