We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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