I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i came on her dog
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
