is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
