So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this beer tastes like vomit already
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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