when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
