If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
