Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
