I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
