Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
