thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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