apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
