So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
