I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
