guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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