I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
