I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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