Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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