I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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