Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
