on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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