Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
