I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
