i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
