I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
