I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
