First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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